An international couple touring San Francisco was robbed at gunpoint in St. Mary's Cathedral lower parking lot this morning, said San Francisco Police Sgt. Lawrence Price.
Temporarily separated from their tour group to take photos, victims WeiMing Chen, 28, and Li Lu, 30, were approached by man of about 18 wearing a black hat and jacket, stated Chen. The teen brandished a handgun and demanded their cash.
According to Chen, he offered the mugger about $100 in cash. The thief accepted but demanded more: he took Chen's Visa card, their passports, airline tickets and camera before running off.
Sgt. Price said the police are still searching for the assailant. He said it was unknown if Chen and Lu were able catch their 1:00 pm flight back to Taipei with the rest of their tour group.
All 30 visitors in the tour group were Taiwanese airline employees.
You are absolutely on the right track here. You've got the right info in your lead. You just need to tighten things up a bit and tweak it in a few spots.
ReplyDeleteFor example: Instead of "An international couple touring San Francisco..." just say Two Taiwanese tourists or Two tourists from Taiwan or A Taiwanese couple. All are shorter and more specific.
Also, instead of writing "Temporarily separated from their tour group to take photos, victims WeiMing Chen, 28, and Li Lu, 30..." (which is kind of awkward), just say WeiMing Chen, 28, and Li Lu, 30, had left their tour group to take photos when they were approached....
Since you've already told me that two people were robbed, I'll understand the two people you name are the victims. Also, be sure to put the most important info first ... e.g., robber brandishing a gun vs. robber's clothing.
The last three graphs work just fine.
8.5/10
Oops ... that should be 13/15, not 8.5/10.
ReplyDelete